This weekend was a score on the cult/bizarre/gore-fest/camp B-movies – this is what happens when my daughter is out-of-town and I have way too much time on my hands! I’m now watching what could very well likely be the worst movie ever made, Troll, and naturally I’m glued to the screen throughout the whole thing. Get this cast: Michael Moriarty as a character named (believe it or not) Harry Potter. In the movie, Harry has a son, aptly named Harry Potter, Jr. Knock yourself out, J.K. Rowling. This flick came out a good decade before she made the character a household word. Could it actually be that J.K. drew inspiration from this thing?! Naw, but who knows?
Shelley Hack plays Harry’s wife. Remember Shelley from her days as an Angel, as in Charlie’s? She was the angel alongside Farah Fawcett, for only one season, who, upon retiring from the Angels turned post-war Bosnia activist. Wait, there’s more. Sonny Bono plays a mad swinger who gets turned into a green pickle plant pod. Julia Louis-Dreyfus, a few years before hitting it big in Seinfeld, plays something or other and also gets turned into green slime. And my favorite, June Lockhart, last seen as the hot-mom-astronaut in the campy and fabulous, Lost in Space, plays a good witch. “Danger, Will Robinson” for sure. And she’s still kind of hot 20 years later in this 1985 movie. Geez. Way over the top. So much so, that they actually made a Troll 2, which of course I also rented for this crazed weekend. And which, of course, was also terrible; even worse than Troll.
Rounding out the weekend film fest were Norway’s The Troll Hunter (totally unrelated to Troll and Troll 2); Hobo with a Shotgun, starring everyone’s favorite bad-ass, Rutger Hauer in the titular role. Need I say more about this one?! 13 Assassins, the Takashi Miike film of a bunch of under-utilized samurai recruited for a suicide mission to kill a newly appointed leader, or die defending their honor; The Perfect Host, starring David Hyde Pierce as a lunatic, like the lunatic younger brother psychiatrist he played to Frazier, but far more evil, and way funnier. Death Race 2000 by my fave, Roger Corman, starring Sylvester Stallone and David Carradine as cross-country race car driving rivals scoring points by killing pedestrians.
When I told a colleague that this is how I spent my weekend, watching these B’s, and running down the list of them, she reacted with a mixture of disgust and horror, and wondered aloud how I could do this, saying she couldn’t believe anyone would do this. My response: What can’t you believe? That I would watch these films, or that I would actually fess up to it in public?