Conquista Dora the Explorer

The Real Dora and Boots

My precocious little daughter has quickly learned her way around my Blackberry, or pretty much any hand-held smart phone, and has just as quickly identified, for her, the true reason for it – a miniature, hand-held movie player.   Sized perfectly just for her toddler hands to hold onto and watch a video close up!  Of course!  She’s become fond of asking us to watch a video on it, not a DVD because that’s what we watch on a television, and she can even select an option among the many choices of video shorts found on YouTube.

One time, while seated next to each other and scrolling through a number of Dora the Explorer options, she chose one that looked just as good as any to me.  Give the girl a few options, she likes to choose!  She began watching her chosen 2-minute video, while I sat next to her reading the Sunday newspaper.  This is what I heard, but heard only vaguely, because I was, after all, reading the paper:

The Dora the Explorer intro music played; the usual jingle, all sounded good.  I continued reading.

“Hi, I’m Conquista Dora.  Today, I’m going to subjugate the native peoples of the new world and claim their territory for the Royal Kingdom of Spain.  Vamanos”. 

That didn’t get me, and I kept reading.  I heard, but it really didn’t register.  It was Dora, after all, and it was her voice, and it was her music I heard.  And it was all good.

“Look out, it’s the natives.  To win their trust, I will give them a disease-covered blanket from my backpack.  But I need your help.  Should the blanket give them smallpox, chickenpox, or measles?”

That still didn’t get me, and I kept reading.

“Oh, oh, looks like they are angry.  Say “frightful”, so I can use my advanced western weaponry to subdue them”.

That still didn’t get me, and I kept reading.

“There’s probably gold in that river, but I don’t want to pan for it myself.  Say “whip” to make the natives pan for gold.”

That still didn’t get me, and I kept reading.

“Look at all these virgins.  How many virgins are there?  1-2-3-4-5 virgins.  Where’s my cousin Diego?  All yours, Diego.  Don’t forget to convert them to Christianity when you are done.”

My ears perked up, and I began to actually listen to what my daughter was listening to, and watching.

“C’mon, vamanos, everybody let’s go pillage, set aflame, and stake your claim”.

What, I thought?  Something was finally registering with me.  Something wasn’t right about this video.

“Oh, no, it’s Scalper the Fox.  If we don’t do something, he’ll have our scalps.  Say, “Scalper no scalping – Scalper, no scalping”.

“Oh maaaaaan!” 

Oh man, this got my attention.  I quickly grabbed my Blackberry away from my daughter, explaining that I had to fix the volume.

I watched as Dora pulled out a long fire-arm and blew Scalper the Fox away.

I selected another YouTube video of Dora, a more child-friendly one, a real one, and gave the phone back to my daughter who seemed pretty nonplussed about the whole thing, except that I interrupted her viewing pleasure by grabbing the phone away from her.

God, who does this kind of thing?!  Okay, I know, I could have been paying more attention.  Closer attention.  Bad Dad.  And I guess I could have read the part that said, Original CollegeHumor.com/Originals, and the part that said,

Conquistadora the Explorer discoverers the New World and has some fun on the way with Boots and Diego! (Rated MA for mature audiences only) [As seen on collegehumor.com/originals]. 

Ahhh, if only I had seen and read this before I started playing it for my daughter.  Okay, sure, but still, who does this stuff?!  And don’t they know that three-year olds can use a Blackberry better than their parents?!

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About Deeda's World

Curious world-traveller, democracy promoter, rule of law upholder (kind of), graphic novel (okay, comic book) fanboy, coffee addict, and above all else, proud father to a wonderful daughter, who calls me "Deeda". Her hip version of Dad. Full Legal-Like Disclosure: This blog is about me. My world.
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